It has come to my attention that some individual has attempted at some point to make a musical film of Victor Hugo's masterpiece Les Miserables. This peeves me somewhat. Allow me to elaborate.
Les Miserables is one of the finest works of European literature ever produced. It is an emotionally draining epic about redemption, morals, love, politics and more depending on how one wishes to interpret it. DESPITE THIS SOMEONE DECIDED TO BUTCHER IT AND TURN IT INTO A STAGE MUSICAL AND THEN A FILM OF THAT ABOMINATION!
It is hard to believe, but the people responsible for these cultural atrocities have never been brought before a magistrate for their heinous actions. Were I to venture into the Louvre in Paris and void my bowels over the Mona Lisa I would quite rightly be arrested and probably spend time incarcerated. Yet people actually voluntarily go to view the film of the musical and don't complain at the fetid bag of toenail clippings they are presented with.
I believe the delightful Clare Danes starred in a previous (non-musical) attempt to make a film of this mighty tome. I shall forgive the makers of that film but alas, they have learned the hard way that such literature can never be adequately transferred to celluloid.
BUT A MUSICAL???!!!
As the title of this epistle says, I have not seen this horror but I feel I can guess how it goes. As I recall, a sizeable number of chapters in the book are devoted to a visceral description of the Battle of Waterloo. This doubtless is interpreted in the musical as a chorus of "Whoops Mr Rothschild, 'ows me apples an' pears?" sung in a ghastly cockney accent by a gaggle of high kicking ladies with inane grins plastered to their dead-eyed faces.
Our hero Jean Valjean's journey to redemption and the moral forks in the road he encounters on the way will probably be an excuse for an interpretive dance number to the tune of a saucy Victorian music hall classic called "'E may be Jack the Ripper but 'es me old china" or some such awfulness.
To round off this foulness the production will end with all the bad characters seemingly realising the error of their ways and joining with all the good characters (even the dead ones) in a rousing singalong of "Oi loiks me pickled artichokes befores oi goes a robbin'". This will be done with all concerned sporting a rictus of faux joy on their criminal countenances. It jolly well makes my blood boil that they were allowed to get away with this.
Please people of Earth, STOP GOING TO MUSICALS. Every time you buy a ticket it makes producers think people want this bobbins. If you must watch crap, don't flush your toilet for a few days and sit gazing at what begins to pile up under the Armitage Shanks logo. As malodourous as it is, I guarantee you it will be better than the musical version of Les Miserables.
I have spoken.
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